Hello Internet,
Can I be completely honest with you? 100%? Okay good. I don’t want this information to spread further than required for this English assignment. Honestly, I never thought I would be writing this post. When I chose this topic, I told myself, “This topic is awesome because there is so much research to be done.” and “This topic can be strictly research. I don’t have to be personal at all.” The funny thing about the internet, is that there is so much information on it that if you don’t make it personal, it doesn’t stick. You will never make an impact with your writing if you don’t put a little bit of your soul into it. That’s what I’m doing today: giving you a little bit of my soul. I have struggled with anxiety for around five years, and depression for around three. I have tried medications, I have gone to therapy, I have literally tried everything to be happier but nothing seems to work. I am what they call one of the “difficult cases.”
My anxiety is heavily triggered by cars and when I started driving, it got progressively worse. When I was little, I used to have these dreams that I was in a car on a highway and I had no control over where I was going. I would have these dreams almost every night. I was by myself and I didn’t know how to drive, which was problematic considering I was on a highway. I would try so hard to get the car to stop but I always ended up losing control and crashing. This has caused some serious PTSD-like symptoms. I’m not even sure if it’s possible to have post-traumatic stress from dreams but that describes what I have pretty well. (Note to self: That would be a really interesting topic to research)
In my opinion, it is hard to describe an anxiety attack because no two are exactly the same and everyone experiences them differently. For me, I experience a variety of things from confusion and a raised heartbeat, to derealization or detachment from myself. It’s like I have no control over what I say or do. These attacks don’t happen very often but when they do, it can be very scary. Because they are so scarce, I almost forget what they feel like which is why it is so scary every time.
On top of anxiety, I also suffer from major depression. (name of the diagnosis, not an adjective) I have had a hard time with friends throughout my life which has led to insecurities and a hard time thinking that I am good enough. I won’t go too deep into this because it is very personal to me.
One of my favorite quotes about this topic reads,
“Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends, but hating to socialize. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb.”
I think that it’s interesting that although so many people in our society struggle with depression, yet it is rarely talked about. We are so insecure about what people might think of us that we bottle up our feelings, put on a mask, and go on with life even though all we want to do is crawl into a corner and cry. My philosophy tends to be fake it until you make it so I always make sure that I look put together. I think that if I look nice, people won’t be able to see how much I’m hurting on the inside.
It can be really hard to fake it until you make it. It is exhausting to always have to maintain this image of happiness. I am curious to know whose idea it was to start telling people that it wasn’t okay to show your feelings. When is it that children find out that it is socially unacceptable to tell people that you are sad? It makes me sick to think that these little kids reach a point where they are told that they can’t say what they are feeling. The human body is amazing and can do a lot of things, but mindreading isn’t one of those things.
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